Monday, 13 July 2009

I hate being an alcoholic

I hate being an alcoholic.

One of the biggest truths about alcoholism, I believe, is that it is, as they say, progressive. If the alcoholic keeps drinking, things just keep getting worse. I can see this in my own life. I was a worse drunk at 30 than 20 and I was a worse drunk at 40 than 30.

I am 46 now which means I've had about 30 years of practice to learn how to drink how the average non-alcoholic drinks; but I've failed time and time again. I am sober tonight but were I to drink tonight there is a good chance I could be talking and acting like an out of control juvenile delinquent...............at 46!!

I can be sober (free of alcohol) for anywhere from 14 days to 14 months (which is my record) but the mental obsession with drinking alcohol does not leave me. I can fight the temptation to drink X number of times but once I give in I immediately drink to excess and very soon I am in some sort of trouble.

One of the things I hate most about my alcoholism is that when I have a lot of alcohol in my system I can say the most nasty, cruelest, hurtful things to people I really care about.

15 comments:

Utah Savage said...

Keep telling the truth about your alcoholism and you might start to find more and more reasons not to drink. At some point the terrible things you say to those you love when drunk will make you unlovable when sober even to the most loving. This is harsh, but true.

Paul C said...

Utah,

Thanks for taking the time to read some of my blog and leave some comments.

"At some point the terrible things you say to those you love when drunk will make you unlovable when sober even to the most loving."

This is VERY true and I fear that I have reached that point with a number of people I've been close to over the years.

I have been told a number of times that I can be so drunk I am in a black-out and can barely even stand up BUT my mouth can keep going and I have this ability to know exactly what to say to someone that will hurt them most. A terrible "quality" or ability to have.

My life would have been 300% different and better over the last 30 years had I not been someone who drank alcoholically.

Utah Savage said...

Don't make looking back at wasted years give you an excuse to drink. At least you KNOW you are an alcoholic and can admit it to yourself and others. So, one day at a time, no?

Don't tell anyone I'm visiting you twice in one day when I'm neglecting them altogether.

Gail said...

Hi Paul - (and Utah your secretis safe with me!! :-) ).....

Paul - you have so much insight to this disease - and insight is just that, insight. You are on the right track, when as Utah wrote, you talk about your alcoholism and how it has hurt you and others you care about. It is that pain - pleasure quotient that brings people to STOP. I will pray that soon, you KNOW that you have had enough pain.
Love and hope
Gail

Anonymous said...

hey man, thanks for putting this out there, i googled "i hate being an alcoholic" and found your blog.

i talk mean shit to those i love when drunk, when hungover the anxiety and depression is soooo unbearable it is really hard not to drink. usually takes me a full week to detox. sux

keep your chin up bud! we are out there, the drunks :(

Paul C said...

Thanks for your comments, anon.

Anonymous said...

I too googled i hate being an alchohoic. Your comments helped me today as i sit inside myself in pain no one can see. Thank you.

Owen Lowe said...

Alcoholism is difficult to avoid, especially when you've spend long years doing it. It's a good thing that you're aware of it, Paul, and that you have the will to avoid and stop it. I hope everything's good for you now. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm checking in to rehab next week. I thought my attorney wanted to present me in a better light to the jugde, and him telling me I had a problem was a means to persue me. After empithizing with every statement in your blog and the fact that I'm 27. I hate being an alchoholic and all the self destruction it comes with. People used to tell me how smart I am but I feel like the town fool.

Anonymous said...

I sit here this morning feeling guilty as I drank last night. I met a friend after work for a few quick beers, and as usual I couldn't stop there. I ended up going to another friends house after that and had a few more beers. Then on the way home for there I bought some more beer and drank till I passed out in the recliner. My wife is mad at me, and I feel this intense guilt as I am unable to stop once I start so often. Now I'm depressed, and hate the fact I'm an alcoholic. I'm afraid that my wonderful wife will someday get sick of me and find someone else, and I will only have myself to blame. Being an alcoholic is a horrible affliction, and makes a person feel hopelessly weak. I hope one day things will change for me.

P.S sorry for the rant.

Brett 909 said...

5 years sober I am. The best thing I've ever done. I hit rock bottom. Daily drinker. Felt trapped. Got very depressed and was a recluse for years in my 20's up to my mid 30's. But had friends, drinking friends. Those are the easiest friends to make. But they're not real friends. When you quit and start over you'll need a definite plan and a support base. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I also googled I'm a alcoholic and I hate myself......I'm 25 ...I have a outstanding career...boat ...car..snowmobile... And the most upstanding woman a man could pray for.....by I myself constantly struggle with alcohol....its a dangerous poison and it destroys all beauty if used incorrectly..... I know I will loose the most precious thing in my life and destroy all I have built...its like I get to slowly watch my life break apart into pieces slowly like a horrible train accident...

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend struggles daily with drinking n I help him everyday with it it is hard for me to do so but in the end it is worth helping him because he's amazing n I know how hard it must be to try and get throw this in life.....and I know o will never truly no what goes throw his head but what I told him i will help him as much as I can n I stopped drinking because I know it would makeit easyer on him n I sat down with his two best friends on the world and told them he needs your help just as much as he needs mine n I will not stop trying to help him n I hope everyone will have some one help them too because I bealive you all can stop n over come this cuz you are strong and nothing can stand in your way :)

Megan said...

I hate being an alcoholic myself. I just began the unfortunate tour two years ago. I have a good career, great people in my life and cannot understand why I choose to pick up a bottle instead of other things. I have a white chip from AA and have tried the CORE program with a success rate of eight days. I have gained twenty pounds and terrible guilt. What to do?

Anonymous said...

Your not alone, i wish it would stop. Alcohol and drugs get me high and being sober is hell. I'm caught up in a miserable world of my own making. Been drinking since i was 15, drugs followed quickly. I have been in 3 clinics up till now. The depression that follows my abuse forced me to get help. I have many broken friendships and disillusioned partners in my wake. I now live alone, i feel this is safest for everyone, keep them all away so as not to hurt the ones closest. I get drunk have a run in with the law and feel like shit. I have been diagnosed with PTSS and hopefully i will start therapy within eight weeks or so. I don't feel lonely just very lost and empty and wish to God i could get excited about wanting to start my day. Medication flattens all my emotions but at least i'm not hurting anyone else and the heavy depression after abuse is not present. I wish everyone strength, love and luck in fighting your demons.