I hate being an alcoholic.
One of the biggest truths about alcoholism, I believe, is that it is, as they say, progressive. If the alcoholic keeps drinking, things just keep getting worse. I can see this in my own life. I was a worse drunk at 30 than 20 and I was a worse drunk at 40 than 30.
I am 46 now which means I've had about 30 years of practice to learn how to drink how the average non-alcoholic drinks; but I've failed time and time again. I am sober tonight but were I to drink tonight there is a good chance I could be talking and acting like an out of control juvenile delinquent...............at 46!!
I can be sober (free of alcohol) for anywhere from 14 days to 14 months (which is my record) but the mental obsession with drinking alcohol does not leave me. I can fight the temptation to drink X number of times but once I give in I immediately drink to excess and very soon I am in some sort of trouble.
One of the things I hate most about my alcoholism is that when I have a lot of alcohol in my system I can say the most nasty, cruelest, hurtful things to people I really care about.